Witties And Ditties

Musings by Linda Irwin from 1997

Foreword

 

This is a collection of thoughts in print that I have generally dreamed up while riding on public transportation to and from work or while outside on break or at lunch when I was working in 1997.

 

I hope that you enjoy reading this collection and I hope also that you are inspired to write your own "witties and ditties".

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Job Debate

 

"My job sucks," said the disgruntled vacuum sales man.

 

"Well, my job is the pits," explained the fruit picker.

 

"My job has little security," added the lock maker.

 

"I have the most boring job in the world," stated the drill operator.

 

"I have no interest in staying in my job," the banker put in.

 

The computer programmer stretched and yawned. "I think I will go home and crash."

Latte Stands

 

Latte stands are the grown up version of the ice cream truck.

The Computer Prayer

 

Now I power me down to sleep.

I pray the user my programs to keep.

If I should crash before I wake,

I pray that copies the User did make.

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Strange Language

 

Why do they call it a mousse,

When it has no antlers or fur?

Why do they call it a rat tail comb,

When the plastic creature will not stir?

 

Why does corn have ears and potatoes have eyes?

Everyone knows shoes do not grow on trees!

But the most perplexing thing of them all,

Are those markets that specialize in fleas.

This Position

 

This position requires proficiency in multi-linear transdimensional omniphasic synchronicity.*

*The ability to be everywhere at once.

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Error Message

 

"Unable to connect to host,"

Is what the message said.

It appears this network system,

Will not rise from the dead.

 

I rebooted and retried,

Many, many times,

But all I got for my trouble,

Was error message chimes.

 

Again it flashed across the screen,

"Unable to connect to host,"

That is it. I have had enough.

This computer is now toast.

This Weekend

 

This weekend I am going to sleep in late, take a hike,

Lose some weight, ride my bike.

Right after I cook and clean, and grocery shop.

Do all of the errands until I drop.

Oh well . . .

 

Next weekend I will read a book, shop for clothes,

Change my look, enjoy a rose.

Right after I bake for the sale and mow the lawn,

Do all of the laundry until Sunday is gone.

Hmm. Well . . .

 

There is always the weekend after that.

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My Many Moods

 

My many moods surround my soul,

Like a rainbow encircling the Earth.

I do not know where they came from.

They must have been rooted from birth.

 

More frequently than the weather they change,

From foggy to stormy to bright.

They encompass all colors and textures,

From fragile to rough to light.

 

My many moods intersperse my day,

Like butterflies around my garden.

For my more positive moods, enjoy!

For my negative ones, please beg my pardon!

Bad Hair Day

 

I am having a bad hair day.

My locks are such a mess!

Gnarls and rats are bedded down,

In strands that make a nest.

 

The part is zigging and zagging,

My brush ran away with my comb.

I have a stubborn cow lick,

That a cow would not claim as its own.

 

There are frizzies where my curls should be.

It is just the living end!

I think I will stick my head in the sink,

And start all over again.

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These Confusing Times

 

Imagine a world where FAX machines only transmitted the facts.

Imagine that your pay check pays you more than it withholds in tax.

 

Be happy that electronic mail does not require stamps,

But the information highway has too many on and off ramps.

 

Coffee now comes in more flavors than ice cream ever did.

Child-proof bottles and lighters can be mastered by any kid.

 

For what it is worth, the future is here. There is not much more to be said.

I think I will shut the alarm clock off and pull the covers over my head.

Printing Press Park

 

Lets picnic at Printing Press Park.

It is really a fun place to be.

Better by day than by dark.

It is five foot by seven foot three.

 

No room for a slide or a swing,

But come on! It is a blooming lark!

So there is no room for too much to bring,

When you picnic at Printing Press Park.

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Not My Error

 

It is not my typographical error,

But I think I know who it was.

Last night as we all left the office,

I heard a faint electronic buzz.

 

The room went dark and time stood still.

A beam of light encompassed the place.

The paper that I typed for you,

Was slowly sucked up into space.

 

It was abducted by an alien space craft,

Probably humanoid creatures,

Who studied the freshly typed paper,

Trying to discern its features.

 

They sampled and tested it over and over.

Oh, the puzzled look on their face!

Finally they constructed a copy,

Taking the original with them in space.

 

On their home planet, they will decode it,

But before they sped off into space,

They sent down the crude duplicate copy,

To be left in the original's place.

 

Since they knew not what they transcribed,

On the cleverly designed fake,

You can see why I stand here telling you,

It was not me who made the mistake!

The New And Improved Peas Porridge

 

Peas porridge hot. Peas porridge cold.

Peas porridge in the fridge, growing mold.

 

First get it hot. Then get it cold.

To the pharmaceutical it has just been sold.

 

Take it off the burner. Put it on the ice.

Feed the peas porridge to the laboratory mice.

 

Peas porridge hot. Peas porridge cold.

Buy your stocks today. It is worth more than gold!

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Computer De"fun"itions

 

Bitmaps noun (plural) Little bits in your computer use these complicated to read and hard to fold back to its original form devices to determine where they need to travel to make an artistic statement.

 

Mouse noun A computer rodent that lives on a pad and is connected by an umbilical cord or wireless implant to your computer. It never eats cheese and is generally not frightening in appearance. Also, it does not make holes in the walls unless you throw it.

 

Wallpaper noun A totally unwashable background inside of your computer available in a wide variety of patterns, colors and scenes. While children cannot mark it up with crayons, they may be able to destroy it using a paint or photo program inside of the computer.

 

Cursor noun The guiding hand or other shape of the computer often shaped like an arrow. This item may become frustrating to you when applications are running slowly; thus, causing you to become a "cursor" yourself.

 

Tools noun (plural) While these are not kept in a conventional metal box, they can be just as easy to misplace. Be assured that you cannot accidentally injure body parts with these; however, it is possible to cause major disability to parts of your computer if used improperly.

 

Pixels noun (plural) Fairy-like creatures with cute hair cuts and pointed shoes who live in your computer control panel, holding up colorful cards and standing close together to create a visual image on your screen.